Why a blog?

This is my first time to ever do anything like this so please bare with me. I decided to start a blog mostly for myself. I wanted to keep track of all the crazy things that go on in our house on a daily basis. I also thought this would be good for my soul and keep me smiling and laughing even when I feel defeated by my littles at the end of the day. I'm sure there are a lot of blogs out there similar to this one and it may just bore people but that's alright. This is us, me and my littles!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Baby fever?!

I feel like everyone around me is pregnant, trying or just having a precious bundle of joy! A year or so ago I would have been SO relieved that that wasn't me. Just going on and on (annoying, I know) about how much it sucks to be pregnant, the weight gaining, the sleepless nights, the insane hormones, the c-sections, the nursing....need I go on? But now....I want a precious bundle of joy that makes me gain weight, keeps me up all night, puts me in horrible hormone moods...etc! What is wrong with me???

The little mommies :)
After I had Beau I knew I was done having kids. It was a lot on my body and just a lot of work! Then Jude came. That pregnancy was intense and then I REALLY knew I was done having kids. I couldn't even carry her to full term and had to have my tubes tied during the c-section due to complications. I had such a peace about that decision and felt relieved that we didn't have to make it ourselves.  The first year was overwhelming, crazy and hectic! Beau was 22 months old when I had Jude and still in diapers. My hands were full!

For about a year I really felt like I was SO good with 3 daughters. Who wouldn't be?! I know I'm so blessed and fortunate to even have 1, let alone 3 but then that feeling crept up on me! I don't want that feeling! I'm sure most woman have that feeling AFTER they have all their kids...right?

The pregnant Fari ( with Jude)
I'm not the the type that loves and embraces being pregnant and looking swollen with 35 pounds of extra weight following me around. I loved feeling all the girls move and knowing that they were ours but it was still so hard!

I guess as my girls get older and more independent I get more emotional about the whole thing. I don't even understand that though because with each one I can't wait for them to BE more independent! ugh, I'm a mess!!
I often pray that God would change my heart or the circumstances, create a miracle or give me a sense of peace about the family of 5 that He blessed me with.  Today I couldn't help but think He was reminding me of what I have and what it would be like if we added one more, right now anyway.

After a long morning at VBS the girls and I headed to Corpus Christi (which is over an hour away from where we live) for an appointment Bella had. I usually go out of my way to find doctors closer to us so we don't have to drive that far but some doctors and their specialties are just not available this far out. Anyway, we ran errands before the appointment, since we were early. Jude was a mess since she didn't really nap and hates the car. You would think after 2 years of driving so far she would get used to it! So we get to the appointment only to find out my paper work is off so we have to reschedule. As my eyes started to tear up and my blood started to boil, I turned around to find Jude stealing some little girls doll, Beau going through my purse looking for gum after I told her to stay out of it and Bellas poor face as she knew my wrath was coming. It was not a good mommy moment for me for sure.

So after a LONG drive home and many tears, from us all, I came to the realization that I'm good (barely) with 3 kids, let alone girls! I can't imagine being pregnant right now and having to tend to another baby while dealing with the crazy emotions of the Thomas girls. Why am I writing all this personal stuff then? This is me coming to grips with what it is and letting all the fantasies go! I'm barely managing with the 3 littles that I've been given and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Being a mother is by far THE hardest thing I have ever done and I'm no where close to being finished with these 3 little girls. I'm not very good at it and pray for patience, extra love and strength EVERY day! I believe God knows what I can manage and He has has grace for my imperfect parenting so I'm trusting in that and moving on!
My family of 5 :)